Saturday, February 14, 2009

Do These Earbuds Make My Ears Look Fat?




I know it's all trendy and hip to wear earbuds these days. I don't really get the attraction. They remind me of the hearing aids my grandmother used to wear, the kind that would screech incessantly--"Grandma. Grandma! Your hearing aids! Turn them down! No, I don't want any more Kool-Aid. HEARING AIDS! HEARING AIDS!!"--driving me to distraction while Grandma seized the opportunity to cheat during our poker games.

She never let me win, God bless her.

Personally I think it's yet another marketing ploy by Apple. I mean, who wants to share earbuds? It's one thing to share your traditional, external headphones with other people, but who wants to swap ear jelly with other 'bud users? Fricking gross, dude. It's an issue of hygiene--everyone should purchase their own pair.

It's also an issue of expense. You can get those amazing, noise-cancelling headsets from Bose, which are enormous and tagged with an even heftier price. Or you're like me, stuck buying the seven dollar earbuds every few months after your cat goes into attack mode, cutting the wire like she's dismantling the atomic bomb.

The most disturbing discovery I've made, however, is the "one size fits all" attitude of Apple and all of its generic counterparts. Ears come in all shapes and sizes. Why discriminate against the husky ear?

I suppose I'll just say it: my name is Jennicki, and I have full-figured ears. It's startling to me, although I guess I should've seen it coming. I never wiggled them as a child, and I suppose the lack of exercise contributed to the problem, though I strongly believe it's genetics that played a part. Maybe it's my thyroid. I don't know.

When I started wearing the dreaded 'buds, I noticed they didn't fit very well, a little too snug in the ears. They were constantly falling out, and it's made my exercising and couch potato time very trying. I kept thinking if only my ears were thinner, if only I could just lose a few more ounces around the lobes, maybe they would fit better.

But you know what? I am so over feeling bad about my ears. Society dictates that ears should be skinny and perfectly shaped to fit the earbuds. Well I say society can shove earwax up its canal! Apple should make 'buds to accommodate all sizes, including the plus-size ear!

My ears are curvy and womanly! I bet Marilyn Monroe couldn't fit earbuds properly in her ears either. It was another era then.

No more shame over your large ears. Remember next time you're trying to put earbuds in--it's more cushion for the pushin', baby.

23 comments:

Bangar said...

What can I say my dear, all the more to nibble on.

uamada said...

Nike do some earplugs that have a hook thingo, I have them because i have weirdo freak earholes also. Called "Nike Vapor - Sport Headset" $40 buck here in OZ, but probably $3US. Worth a look.
Oh and welcome to Valentines day

LERMONTOV said...

Happy V Day Jen - Allow me to hope that you meet Mr Tall D & Handsome at the grocery store today.

I must add - that I'm not often convinced by the more cushion for the pushin argument - probably less so with ears!

jennicki said...

Bangar: My ears are blushing.

uamada: Good to know, thank you. My ears really aren't that freakishly big, though. I just exaggerated for effect.

I think.

And augh, I suppose it is time for the VD isn't. ;D

jennicki said...

Thank you, Lerm.

As for the ear cushion for the pushin--don't knock it 'til you've tried it! ;D

Lou said...

Totally agree Jen, I have small ears and most buds are uncomfortably snug for me.

mr-stu said...

I got some great ear phones from Amazon from a company called Creative. They come with three different size rubber adapters so you can get a snug fit in your ear and they are cheap!

We have just adopted a cat and I have found out how much they like string things when it grabbed my head phone wires and ran with my ipod touch still attached!

Timbook2 said...

I had to have a talk with my cat. I said, "Pussy, if you gnaw on Daddies buds I'm going to have to give you a real good lickin'."

I was holding a ruler in my hand at the time. I think she got the message. :-)

yackydoodle said...

I got some cheap ones from Nike that have things that wrap around my ear....only way I can get them to stay in when I work out......

jennicki said...

I have attempted satire and failed miserably, methinks.

My ears aren't really husky or oversized or even full-figured. They actually lean toward the freakishly small end of the spectrum.

But in all sincerety I do appreciate all efforts made to locate "large" size earbuds for me on Blogger and Facebook.

:D

Sound Echo said...

the earbuds that came with my RCA mp3 player came with THREE sizes of covers... THREE! little, medium, and bigger. I use the little ones, which confuses the hell out of me cause I think thats the only time in my life i've ever been a size small anything, and its ear buds. wtf?!

chexiemar said...

Yeah, I think I've got a problem with my ears, as well. Earbuds bother me after awhile. Of course, I can't seem to locate my earbuds at the moment, and usually end up using my old-school headphones anyway. Ah, well.

Maggsworld said...

I suppose I have tried all different types and happened across some ( at not too exorbitant amounts) that don;t make me look industrially deaf and stay in with options for all...they are little things which come with an assortment of silicon sleeves...so you choose the sleeve to suit. Snazzy effective and thus far they have lasted. I am considering returning to where I bought the first lot and buying out their entire stock!!

Steve said...

How would you size your ears though? Would they have sample sizes at the store, and then you try them on to determine your ear canal size? And what about all those people trying on the same earbuds? Would they have little socks for them, like what they have in the women's department at shoe stores?

Barnesm said...

I believe the 17th century painter Rubens preferred the ear lobes to be much fuller. This love of stick figure ears is just another fad.

As said by Henry V

"you ... cannot be confined within the weak list of a country's fashion: we are the makers of manners...and the liberty that follows our places stops the mouth of all find-faults".

You don't follow trends my dear, you set them.

Nautilus said...

Forget this ear rubbish, I think you have stumbled across the first practical use for a cat (aside from Dim Sims).

I can see it now, a bomb disposal squad staffed solely by cats.

They could even use that robot thingy to throw the cats at the bombs!

becomingkate said...

I have little ears too - why are ear buds so damn big?

yankeedog said...

At least you don't have pointy Vulcan ears. Well, I don't think you do, anyway.

Those earbuds always fall out of my ears. I still wear the walkman-style headphones if I can.

Another well-written post. Liking your use of the language and your sense of satire!

Therbs said...

Prince Charles has lost a thousand pairs of those things. Has to get them syringed out every month.

Greg said...

What are really great Blog you have, and a funny about me statement.... Jerry Garcia rocks!

Knifeboy said...

I hate ear buds. They always fall out when you are on the treadmill. I threw away the pair that I got with my mp3 player and bought some nice DJ quality Sony headphones. I'm much happier this way. Thank you for yet another rant with which I can agree.

bard said...

I'm glad to see that you haven't lost your sense of humor in the transition from Journalspace, and I'm happy to have found you here as well!

Side note: My verification word for this post is "obeast". I'm not sure why, but I find that very amusing.

Lunamor said...

It's about time someone stood up for people with freaky body parts! Although, I don't think I can share which of mine are freaky. You'd think having 3 kids would rob me of modesty completely, but not so!

By the way, my word verification here is appuestr, which I'm pretty sure is latin for "ginormous ear crevices." They're on to you, dear. Google is sooooooo Orwellian.