Friday, February 27, 2009

Unfortunate Celebrity Kid Names

Donald Sutherland named his son Keifer. I admit to being immature, but I can't believe that I'm the only one who thinks "Qweefer" every time I hear his name. Adolescence must've been hard for young Qweefer, especially when he was rockin' this 'do:

This is unfortunate.

Next up is Jermaine Jackson. Recently I heard that he has a son named--wait for it!--Jermajesty. Jermajesty! It would be hilarious if it wasn't so tragic for the poor kid.

Determined to keep pounding (the royalty theme) in kids is Jermaine's slightly more famous brother, the eccentric and child-friendly Michael Jackson. He named his first son Prince Michael. The second son came along and, fresh out of ideas, he is christened Prince Michael II but is differentiated from his brother by the completely normal nickname Blanket.

Once upon a time, children, this man had a nose!

The always nerdy Nicholas Cage thought his son would have a chance if he named him after Superman. I bet Kal-El Cage will be super popular with the ladies!

(Not if he looks like this)

Jason Lee is a pretty cool dude, with the exception of course of his choice to bestow the name "Pilot Inspektor" to his son. Actually Pilot isn't so terrible but Inspektor is pushing it. And as if the kid won't have enough 'splainin' to do when he's older, he also will have to constantly correct people who mistakenly spell "Inspector" the right way.

Better add P.I. to your list now, Lee.

And finally, there's Frank Zappa, who I'm pretty sure just threw a dictionary against the wall, went to the open page, vomited up last night's liquor dinner, then pointed to random words to string together names for his children: Moon Unit, Ahmet, Dweezil (well maybe this is urban dictionary we're talking about), and my personal favorite, Diva Thin Muffin, which is basically the same as bestowing an eating disorder on your daughter.

It's Moon Unit, with a 'stache!


Flinthart said...

"Moon Unit" was a daughter. I don't think that's her mo.

And I remember reading somewhere that "Dweezil" was better known as "The Dweez" to his friends. Made me wonder what the school bullies called him...

Oh -- and can we add Bob Geldof and Paula Yates to the list of whacked-out celebs? With Fifi Trixibelle and "Peaches", and a "Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily" (might have been Paula and Michael Hutchence) they're big winners.

Lou said...

Zowie Bowie pretty quickly changed his name as soon as he legally could - now's he's Duncan I believe.

Mia Farrow has bestowed some really weird ones too on most of her brood.

Lou said...

BTW cool post J. Interesting.

Domestic Daze said...

Leaves you thinking some people will do anything for a bit of media attention. Although I still have a soft spot fo Kiefer in The Lost Boys. The eighties at it's best and worst.

yankeedog said...

Perhaps celebs think their kids will have it too easy, so they slap a silly name on them to harden them up-sort of like what Johnny Cash sang about in 'A Boy Named Sue':

-And he said, "Son, this world is rough
And if a man's gonna make it, he's gotta be tough
And I know I wouldn't be there to help ya along
So I give ya that name and I said good-bye
I knew you'd have to get tough or die
And it's that name that helped to make you strong"

Simon said...

The name Kiefer always used to make me think of a beetle (the German for beetle is Käfer), as in ‘cockchafer’ – though I’ve come to terms with it now.

Other, more extreme names support my belief that when people become celebrities aliens remove their brains and take them over. This explains the often erratic behaviour of such persons. They never quite manage to function as normal humans: Tom Cruise is a classic example.

P.S. The verification word for this comment was ‘hangoasm’. I’d like to suggest this refers to a delayed orgasm, unless anyone else can suggest anything better.

sas said...

Didn't Nicole Kidman spawn Sunday Roast?

Steve said...

Kiefer should be very thankful to Donald for giving him that name. It made him tough, so that when he became an adult, he had the fortitude to take on terrorists, choking them, shouting "TELL ME WHAT I NEED TO KNOW" before putting a bullet in their kneecap, until they gave in and told the man what he needed to know. Kiefer never could've worked for CTU if his name was "Michael" or something equally weak.

I always liked Jason Lee's work, and assumed he was a normal dude that I'd enjoy having a beer with...until he gave his son that fucking weird name.

greeneyes67 said...

Ha Ha Ha! I'm still laughing about the Qweefer thing. Hysterical!

Steve said...

Interesting timing. Found this on today:

"The 5 Most Unintentionally Gay Horror Movies"

Timbook2 said...

Strangely enough, I posted a funny little blog several months ago about the odd, frightening, yet hilarious sound of the, qweef.

In 24 years of marriage, I don't think I've ever heard the wife, 'toot', but she has an unfortunate propensity to qweef. Much to the great amusement of my funny bone I might add.

If there is one spontaneous sound in the world that make me laugh, and laugh so hard I mess my shorts, it is the qweef.

In fact, due to this post, I am going to name my next kitten, Qweef. LMAOPIMP!!!

abefrellman said...

Cool post, Jen.

yolaleah said...

Great post but just sos you know, Frank Zappa is and always has been very publicly straight edge. No drugs. No drinks. Just odd. And I think the name Dweezil is the bee's knees, for sure. :)

Dr Yobbo said...

Dweezil's a very handy guitarist. I think he went touring with his old man's old band doing a bunch of his stuff. Moon wrote a book about her father which apparently pointed out how normal their lives were, apart from their father being a workaholic who they never saw much of. His vices seemed to be coffee and cigarettes (the latter killed him).

That photo of Nic Cage, I think, is from Con Air, where he did his infamous acting combo where he spliced Elvis Presley with Jesus Christ. 'Ah'm gonna save the f--kin' day. Uh huh. Gimme cheeseburger and French fries.'

Steve said...

Dweezil is pretty decent with the axe. He did some songs from the "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure" soundtrack that were pretty good, and with the Nelson twins nonetheless, who were likely less douchebaggy when playing with Dweezil.

bangarrr said...

Frank gets a pass thanks to his music. Workaholic? A collection of double live albums (six) "You Can't Do That On Stage Anymore". Of course he had other live albums as well.

Chiaroscuro said...

Yeah but Zappa did cool, weird names that kinda have a funky "meaning" to them. I dunno, I kind of respect the odd creativity that went into it.

The rest? They can all die. Especially Apple. Apple? What the hell!?

Lunamor said...

Those poor kids.

They need NORMAL names, like the ones in my kids' classes...U'Niq.

Steve said...

I forgot to daughter knew a girl in Kindergarten named Her Majesty. We're not sure of the spelling, it might've been Her'Majesty or Hermajesty.

Personally, I think names like that are just preparing the child for a lifetime of disappointment.