My hands have been quite dry this past winter, and last night I decided to make good on a friend's advice.
After my normal bedtime routine of washing my face, brushing my teeth and tying my bangs back ala Pebbles Flintstone (this is what you're missing, boys), I pulled back my sheets and slid into bed.
My friend swears by putting Vaseline on her hands and sleeping with gloves on to get that baby's bottom softness. I don't know why people insist on having their skin feel as soft as a baby's ass (really, who are these people? Do they just stop women with strollers on the street and ask, "Please may I feel your daughter's behind? Oh she's so smooth!"? This seems a bit off to me).
Anyway, so last night I decide to give it a whirl. I grab the Vaseline that is conveniently located atop my nightstand and pull out the vinyl gloves that are conveniently stored in the drawer.
I slather the petroleum jelly all over my hands, which are so dry it burns. It burns! My hands are now sufficiently greased like a pig on your Uncle Billy Bob's farm, and it was a bit of a challenge to put on the gloves without getting Vaseline all over my sheets. But with a squish here and a squeege there, both of the vinyl gloves were on and I was ready to sleep.
I should mention that I also have a bit of a cold at the moment, and as I was getting ready for bed I put a freshly laundered handkerchief on my pillow in case I was attacked by the Sneezing Monster that night.
So off went my light, and with my hot, greasy gloved hands at my side, I laid my head down on my pillow to fall asleep. But, after a few minutes, I was uncomfortable laying on my back.
I opened my eyes, turned on my side, put my head on the pillow and shut my eyes.
A searing pain suddenly shot through my right eye and I sat up straight in bed, my eyes blinking wildly.
My handkerchief was caught inside the lid of my eye.
Somehow I must've laid close enough on the pillow that the corner of the handkerchief was sticking up just as my eyelid closed over it.
Worse, I kept blinking and it just moved up and down with my lid.
It took me a moment to react. My eye was raw and I kept trying to grab the cloth but my hands were so clumsy with the gloves it took much longer than usual. If getting a handkerchief caught in your eye is usual.
I can only imagine what I looked like--sitting up in bed, my tattered pink Michigan State tee-shirt on, my tiny ponytail sitting straight up on my head, greasy, gloved hands yanking wildly at a handkerchief, stuck in my eyelid, moving up and down my face.
I finally yanked it out and stumbled my way to the bathroom, with splurgy-squoosh sounds being made as I pulled off the gloves and washed the Vaseline off my hands, howling as I looked at the raw, red space that used to be my fairly normal eye.
My hands have never been softer.