Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Jennicki Does Soft Hands

My hands have been quite dry this past winter, and last night I decided to make good on a friend's advice.

After my normal bedtime routine of washing my face, brushing my teeth and tying my bangs back ala Pebbles Flintstone (this is what you're missing, boys), I pulled back my sheets and slid into bed.

My friend swears by putting Vaseline on her hands and sleeping with gloves on to get that baby's bottom softness. I don't know why people insist on having their skin feel as soft as a baby's ass (really, who are these people? Do they just stop women with strollers on the street and ask, "Please may I feel your daughter's behind? Oh she's so smooth!"? This seems a bit off to me).

Anyway, so last night I decide to give it a whirl. I grab the Vaseline that is conveniently located atop my nightstand and pull out the vinyl gloves that are conveniently stored in the drawer.

I slather the petroleum jelly all over my hands, which are so dry it burns. It burns! My hands are now sufficiently greased like a pig on your Uncle Billy Bob's farm, and it was a bit of a challenge to put on the gloves without getting Vaseline all over my sheets. But with a squish here and a squeege there, both of the vinyl gloves were on and I was ready to sleep.

I should mention that I also have a bit of a cold at the moment, and as I was getting ready for bed I put a freshly laundered handkerchief on my pillow in case I was attacked by the Sneezing Monster that night.

So off went my light, and with my hot, greasy gloved hands at my side, I laid my head down on my pillow to fall asleep. But, after a few minutes, I was uncomfortable laying on my back.

I opened my eyes, turned on my side, put my head on the pillow and shut my eyes.

A searing pain suddenly shot through my right eye and I sat up straight in bed, my eyes blinking wildly.

My handkerchief was caught inside the lid of my eye.

Somehow I must've laid close enough on the pillow that the corner of the handkerchief was sticking up just as my eyelid closed over it.

Worse, I kept blinking and it just moved up and down with my lid.

It took me a moment to react. My eye was raw and I kept trying to grab the cloth but my hands were so clumsy with the gloves it took much longer than usual. If getting a handkerchief caught in your eye is usual.

I can only imagine what I looked like--sitting up in bed, my tattered pink Michigan State tee-shirt on, my tiny ponytail sitting straight up on my head, greasy, gloved hands yanking wildly at a handkerchief, stuck in my eyelid, moving up and down my face.

I finally yanked it out and stumbled my way to the bathroom, with splurgy-squoosh sounds being made as I pulled off the gloves and washed the Vaseline off my hands, howling as I looked at the raw, red space that used to be my fairly normal eye.

My hands have never been softer.

22 comments:

jennicki said...

Weird things happen to me.

Amanda said...

Weird experiences seem to run in your family. Did Scott tell you about the fire alarm at the Crowne Plaza?

It's probably a good thing I wasn't there to see that. I would be too busy crying with laughter to help much. :oP

Chaz said...

But yes at least you have soft hands...

bard said...

I honestly didn't think I could get into a laughing mood at all tonight, but I couldn't help myself. The mental image was too damn funny!

LERMONTOV said...

I love women that keep jars of vas beside the bad

Nautilus said...

That is really funny!

Like Lerm, I too was intrigued by the titbit of info that you keep a jar of vas by the bed.

Barnesm said...

The jar of "Vaseline that is conveniently located atop my nightstand" is an intriguing comment to many of us.

I believe lube comes in 1Litre hand pump nightstand size pump packs as well.

perhaps that would be more convenient, though I don't know what its like on your hands.

Hope your eye is feeling better.

Birmo said...

Excuse me, but I will totally be stealing this scene for a comic interlude in my next novel.

Lou said...

Like others I was intriqued by the vaseline handily located but the real question for me is the vinyl gloves in the bedside drawer - is there a tip or trick I've missed over the years? C'mon, share.

That was an exceptionally funny post Jenny. Am sorry to laugh at your predicament though and I hope the eye feels OK now.

beeso said...

Thats gold
Its better than folding a contact lens up under an eyelid.
Why would you want supersoft hands anyway? As The Wife points out, its her that gets the rubs.

Flinthart said...

Well, crap. There's half my beer sprayed on the keyboard.

uamada said...

rofl
do you have giant eyelids - (i'm squinting at your mini photo and i can't tell) ?
maybe you should practise picking other stuff up with your eyelids - cutlery, bowling balls.... You could join a circus.
Great post

Steve said...

I'm intrigued mostly by the pink Michigan State shirt (Go Spartans!). But, I guess the dark green wouldn't look as cute as sleepwear.

And Birmo, seeing as how that's the one scene guaranteed to make it into the movie version, surely you could toss a few bucks her way in return for stealing it?

Having lost a contact lens in my eye (it got stuck to my eyelid and rolled up inside my eye socket), I can sympathize. And laugh.

Havock21 said...

Jen, Pony tails, soft hands and VAS, I am somewhat surprised now I stopped pissing myself laughing, you are not over run with men, as for the GLOVES, well that's just plain scary...lol

Girl Clumsy said...

Due to certain nefarious uses of Vaseline in "Felafel", that post was especially funny for me...

Having said that - vinyl, Jen, vinyl? There's a reason it's cotton gloves! I'm surprised you could even get to sleep with them on ;)

A good way to soften your hands is mix some good rough salt crystals (not too big) with some sweet almond oil or even baby oil, and rub your hands together vigourously. Once you've rinsed, rub in lots of moisturiser (stuff with aloe vera in it is good). That should help!

Cheers, Natalie.

becomingkate said...

Holy crap. Hope your eye feels better! Glad your hands are softer now.

Knifeboy said...

I hope that your eye is all better now. I can imagine how that must have hurt!

Try bag balm on your hands. You can get it at any pharmacy.

K.A. Bell said...

I think I just soiled myself, Jen. Awesome post.

abefrellman said...

Hilarious Jen!

YsambartCourtin said...

Weird? You people need to get back to your classic reading people. Curly, the ranch owners son from Steinbecks "Of Mice and Men" advocated the vaseline in the glove method for soft hands.

I used to do it when I ran the dump, as our outside uniform was the workers blues, Akubra and leather gloves.

Better than standard vaseline was "Vaseline intensive care - Aloe Vera" as it was less slippery if you needed to do something quickly, such as remove a rouge hankie from your eye...

Next post - 'what do you keep on your nightstand' :)

jennicki said...

Amanda: Yup, he told me! You're dating into a dangerous territory of weirdness!

I wouldn't blame you for laughing at me. I would've too if my damn eye didn't hurt so much.

Chaz: Yes it was so worth it (or so I'm told).

bard: I'm glad Hanky and I could be of service to you. :D

Lerm: I know you do. 'Course, I don't actually need the jar, I just keep it there to be polite. In case someone else needs soft hands.

Naut: I'd explain but a girl needs to keep a bit of mystery.

Barnes: I knew I count on you to find a hand-ier way to use petroleum jelly. ;D

I'm an old-fashioned girl. I prefer the jar. There is nothing like that initial "squish" as you dip your hand in the jar...

Birmo: You are excused. I'm always happy for others to profit from my personal pain.

Lou: I admit, the vinyl gloves are weird. They were purchased specifically for the hand softening trick.

I was with my mom at the store and explained my intention to sleep with Vaseline-lined gloves. My mom insisted I get vinyl gloves in case I had an allergy to latex. I was going to assure her that I knew I was in fact NOT allergic to latex, then considered the embarrassing conversation that would follow when she would inevitably ask, "When did you use latex?"

So vinyl it was.

beeso: Contact lenses...shudder...'tis why I wear frames. When I'm feeling saucy, that is.

FH: I hope you licked that beer up!! No beer should ever be wasted, especially on a keyboard!
(I assume, of course, it was a light or 64 calorie type of brew...the only good kind)

uamada: Why thank you for noticing! I've been working out, doing 3 sets of 50 winks a day. My eyelids are bulging.

Steve: Go Spartans! But...actually, I'm a Notre Dame girl through and through. I'm only an MSU fan when they play Michigan. :D

I bought the pink shirt in Lansing once, because I was bored and felt like it. It's now my second-favorite tattered shirt to sleep in.

Havock: Believe me, it was not as pretty as it sounds. Lots of howling and, well, at least the handkerchief was clean. I had that going for me.

Natalie: Of course there is an easier way to soften the hands. I would never take the obvious and practical route! Thank you for the tips, I will definitely use that in the future. No more vinyl gloves and Vas for me! At least not with the hanky around.

And why am I not surprised that Vaseline makes an appearance in Felafel...?

becomingkate: Thank you!

Knifeboy: Thank you!

KA: Thank you! Glad to be of...service? On 30 Rock tonight they called that "Lizzing"--laughing and whizzing at the same time. Haha! Love that show.

abe: Thank you!! :D

ysambart: That post'll be coming, I'm sure. Like when Britney finally does Playboy. It's inevitable.

The Rhino said...

That was freaking hilarious.

You had me at "vaseline".

R.