Thursday, July 23, 2009

Adult Contemporary Hell

Have you ever really listened to the lyrics of a pop song seeping through the speakers at your local grocery store? Heard the words percolating over the buzz of a drill vibrating against your cheek while you grip the plastic armrests of the chair at the dentist’s office?

No? Color yourselves fortunate, my friends.

I’m about to take you on a long and strange trip. A musical adventure, if you will, a journey down the road of Adult Contemporary Hell.



Let’s start with Jon Bon Jovi. We all know the legendary story of blue-collar lovers Tommy and Gina (they never back down). But did you know JBJ has a softer, poetic side to his rock anthems? Take “Bed of Roses,” for instance. He describes his epic vodka-induced hangover, accompanied by a piano:

“With an iron-clad fist/I wake up/French kiss the morning.”

Every time I hear this song, I seriously picture a quiet room, sunlight flooding over the bed, where two people sleep, their breathing even, steady. Suddenly a fist shoots up, cutting through the air, and then there’s Jon Bon himself, sitting up in bed, eyes closed, tongue flicking wildly out of his dry, cracked lips.

“French kiss the morning,” indeed.



Let’s continue our study with another toothy, Top-40 man-child. Rob Thomas has had a string of hit songs, both as a solo artist and as the lead singer for Matchbox Twenty. I’ve always found the lyrics to his music a tad bit unsettling. I don’t know if he really means to come across this way or if it’s some kind cry for help, a kind of confessional through wordplay.

You’d think someone as famous as Rob Thomas would have hordes of groupies trying to hook up with him after shows, but apparently this is not the case. In “Lonely,” he sings, “I don’t wanna be lonely no more/I don’t wanna have to pay for this/I don’t want to know the lover at my door/just another heartache on my list.”

To make things worse, he continues in another song, “I’ve got a disease/deep inside of me/makes me feel uneasy.”

Jesus, Rob. I hope you buy stock in Trojan.

And in case you were wondering about the state of his emotional well-being, he assures us in “Unwell”—“I’m not crazy/I’m just a little unwell.”

Riiiight.



Rihanna, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to be a fan of using protection (no Chris Brown references here. That one’s been beaten down to the ground). In her godforsaken version of “Umbrella,” she pleads, “Baby it’s raining/come in to me/come in to me.”



But the worst lyrical offender, the most disturbing song infiltrating your Lite Rock radio marathons for decades, is titled “Young Girl” by a man named Gary Puckett. I’m just going to post the song in its entirety and let you be the judge. Never has there been a more organized anthem for pedophilia.

Young girl, get out of my mind
My love for you is way out of line
Better run girl
You're much too young girl

With all the charms of a woman
You've kept the secret of your youth
You led me to believe
You're old enough
To give me love
And now it hurts to know the truth

Young girl get out of my mind
My love for you is way out of line
Better run girl
You’re much too young girl

Beneath your perfume and make-up
You're just a baby in disguise
And though you know
That it is wrong to be
Alone with me
That come on look is in your eyes

Young girl get out of my mind
My love for you is way out of line
Better run girl
You’re much too young girl

So hurry home to your mama
I'm sure she wonders where you are
Get out of here
Before I have the time
To change my mind
'Cause I'm afraid we'll go too far

Young girl get out of my mind
My love for you is way out of line
Better run girl
You’re much too young girl


Kind of makes you want to lock your daughter in her room ‘til she’s forty.

Note: Gary Puckett and his band, according to the always-factual Wikipedia, were a headlining band for Disneyland for several years. Disturbing.

17 comments:

Dr Yobbo said...

Then again of course there's the fairly single-entendre work of Mr Ian 'Lemmy' Kilminster of Motorhead...

Teenage baby you're a sweet young thing,
Still tied to Momma's apron strings,
I don't even dare to ask your age,
It's enough to know you're here backstage,
You're Jailbait, and I just can't wait,
Jailbait baby come on, hey

One taste baby, all I need,
My decision made at lightning speed,
I don't even want to know your name,
It's enough to know you feel the same,
You're Jailbait, and I ain't too late,
Jailbait baby get down, hey

(Love that young stuff)

Hey babe you know you look so fine,
Send quivers up and down my spine,
I don't care about our different ages,
I'm an open book with well thumbed pages,
You're Jailbait, and I ain't too late,
Jailbait baby get down, right now


Admittedly a bit less likely to be played by your dentist. Unless he's like my dentist, and is a NUTTER.

Dr Yobbo said...

Or 'better'(??) still - Spinal Tap:

You're sweet, but you're just four feet
And you've still got your baby teeth
You're too young, and I'm too well hung
But tonite I'm gonna rock ya (tonite I'm gonna rock ya)
Tonite I'm gonna rock ya (tonite I'm gonna rock ya)
Tonite!


Will go away now. Promise.

Lou said...

Wow the doc really knows his paedophile anthems. I obviously don't listen properly to anything I hear Jenn. Funny post.

Chez said...

For the record, I get stuck listening to grocery store music for hours every day (for obvious reasons) and I WISH I could hear Bon Jovi, iron-clad fist or no. I think the actual channel we play at work is "The 80s Songs That Nobody Even Tried To Care About."

However...one day, the music somehow got messed up and would change genres every 30 seconds. And by "genres", I mean we'd have Mexican fiesta music, followed by Cheap Trick, followed by Fergie, and finished up with (as my co-worker Tabitha put it) a "jazzy take on How Much Is That Doggy In The Window?"

I'm not kidding. Best day EVER.

Therbs said...

Pretty Ricky said:
2:30 in da school zone (all day)
You know I'm tryna fun wit' you (all day)
But got damn you wearin' dat thong girl (all day)
I'm thinkin' bout doin' something so wrong (something so wrong)
Everybody know the type
Walkin' down da street lookin' like 20 or 18
Baby girl fine
Off in da ride
Conversation just right
But we can't do nothin' that's a little jail time
I can't even risk it
Maybe we can chill or kick it
I'll be ya umm...Mr. Fix It
Play it from a distance
Got me wishin' you was 1 year older so I could get off in it
And uh if its grass on da football field, u know I'm gon' ball tryin'to get dem panty draws
Dey gon' put me behind bars, tryna grab it like a claw
And I'm like f**k da law
Oh law (Oh law)...I ain't scared
I ain't tryna to get caught Dead, Red handed
Abandoned from my family; it's goin' down like da Titanic

Dr Yobbo said...

Hmmm I seem to have inadvertently revealed my Special Topic on Mastermind, that being Dodgy Song Lyrics. There was one from Kiwi band Deja Voodoo titled 'Can't Do What I Wanna Do With You (Cos You Weren't Even Born In The 80s)'.

Moko 2.0 said...

Shit. Sometimes you're just better off not knowing.

Heidi Germanaus said...

OMG Jennicki....that IS the gayest pic of "Jovi" I've ever seen. Hilarious. Loved this post.

I sometimes dwell in my cubicle cell praying for a chunk of ceiling panel to fall and concuss me so I no longer have to endure Beyonce's "Halo".

My fav pedophile song is ....

BENNY MARDONES
INTO THE NIGHT

She's just sixteen years old
Leave her alone, they say
Separated by fools
Who don't know what love is yet
But I want you to know

If I could fly
I'd pick you up
I'd take you into the night
And show you a love
Like you've never seen, ever seen

It's like having a dream
Where nobody has a heart
It's like having it all
And watching it fall apart
And I would wait till the end
Of time for you
And do it again, it's true
I can't measure my love
There's nothing to compare it to
But I want you to know

If I could fly
I'd pick you up
I'd take you into the night
And show you a love
Oooooh, if I could fly
I'd pick you up
I'd take you into the night
And show you a love
Like you've never seen, ever seen
Yeah, Ooooooh....

It's a bit rapey I think. Plus I hate it.

Flinthart said...

I think I have a circuit in my head that just cuts shit like this out of my reality. And I'm grateful.

Barnesm said...

Thank heaven's you are there to alert us to these travesties, no really thank you.

Bondiboy66 said...

And who can forget Neil Diamond's 'Girl, You'll be a Woman Soon' or Rod Stewart's 'Tonights the Night'? Perhaps not quite pedophilia...but close.

Steve said...

That pic of Bon Jovi is almost as gay as the one of Tom Cruise, when he did that promotional magazine cover for Mission: Impossible.

And Rob Thomas just sucks. His music is just awful.

Indantatia said...

Dude, I love the Young Girl song! It makes me happy to hear of his troubles.

The Bon Jovi desciption is classic. I love it.

Steve said...

What's disturbing about "Young Girl," is that he's not telling the girl to go away because she's too young, but that he's telling her to go away because if she doesn't, he will get all over that with gusto.

yankeedog said...

While possibly not adult contemporary, how can we forget Detroit's own The Knack?

Oh my little pretty one, pretty one.
When you gonna give me some time, Sharona?
Ooh you make my motor run, my motor run.
Gun it comin' off the line Sharona
Never gonna stop, give it up.
Such a dirty mind I always get it up for the touch
of the younger kind. My my my i yi woo. M M M My Sharona...

Come a little closer huh, ah will ya huh.
Close enough to look in my eyes, Sharona.
Keeping it a mystery gets to me
Running down the length of my thighs, Sharona
Never gonna stop, give it up. Such a dirty mind I always get it up for the touch of the younger kind. My my my i yi woo. M M M My Sharona...

When you gonna give it to me, give it to me.
It is just a matter of time Sharona
Is it just destiny, destiny?
Or is it just a game in my mind, Sharona?
Never gonna stop, give it up.
Such a dirty mind I always get it up for the touch
of the younger kind. My my my i yi woo. M M M My Sharona...

Amanda said...

Should I not mention that I like both Bon Jovi and Rob Thomas?

C'mon, who doesn't love "Livin' on a Prayer"?

Steve said...

I personally think there's nothing wrong with Bon Jovi, aside from (based on his photo) his dabbles in homoeroticism. Rob Thomas, on the other hand, seems to be interested in competing with Michael Bolton as the most untalented assclown in pop music.