The phone vibrated in her hand just as she was gathering up her bags in the check-out lane at Target.
“’Hello,” she mumbled into the receiver, awkwardly pressed against her shoulder as she walked quickly through the parking lot. Her car key hidden in her fist, in attack mode. All those silly chain emails her mother forwarded onto her, about young women being abducted in shadowy car ramps and empty Walmart lots.
She was prepared.
As if anyone would want her.
The rain was incessant, all week the sky cried and shuddered and squeezed out giant drops, flooding the sidewalks and pooling into small puddles on the roads. The ground was soft and slick beneath her, and she let her hair fall over her ears, covering the phone from the moisture surrounding her.
“Hello,” she repeated.
There was only static and a click. The line went dead. She flipped the phone over and checked the call history.
“Unknown,” it read.
...to be continued...
8 comments:
Oh, it's lame, I know. But I'm trying to get in the habit of writing for a half hour every day and this is what I came up with today. Thbbb.
You can't do that Jen, write something then get in first and tell us how lame it is :)
I liked it...
And I like the idea of writing something every day - I've been doing a bit of sciency writing for uni and would love to mix creative ideas and critical thinking. This might be a way to practice ideas and creativity...
That's certainly hooked me in, is this part of the National Novel writing month?
http://www.nanowrimo.org/
keep writing and I'll keep reading.
That wasn't lame, definately left one with a taste for more.
Naut.
Nanowrimo is a killer. Did it last year in btw surgery and chemo. I think Nanowrimo took more out of me than they did.
Reminds me I have to post that this month....
This is really good. Just tweak the phrase 'all week the sky cried and shuddered and squeezed out giant drops' and it'd be great.
Don't personalize the impersonal. Dark skies can rumble, but they don't shudder.
I know I know! But do as I say, not as I do.
Timmo: Thank you! I'm trying. We'll see how it goes. I think I need to practice more before I try to write a novel.
Or at least get my confidence up.
Barnesm: Thank you, I appreciate that! No, I'm not doing the nano writing this year. Too much pressure!
Naut: Thank you! I needed that!
Dr Yobbo: You're such a good writer, and I wish I had your discipline.
Birmo: Thank you, that really means a lot to me!
But, why shouldn't I personalize the impersonal? Just curious. I'm guessing it's because personalizing it doesn't really add to the story...
If you push the anthropomorphism too far it jars the reader out of the story and start thinking about the appropriateness of the metaphor or allusion rather than imagining the scene. We want them to forget that they're reading and just attend to the pictures behind their eyeballs.
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